trouble.... oh, trouble move away....

I'm venting here so I don't let things get to me.

today we took my 83-year old grandmother who has been in constant pain for the last month to the doctor to see what is going on. he took one look at her and sent her right to the ER. we have been urging her to go for the last three weeks and she has refused... today she said she wished she had listened to us. if she had, they'd have found she had two cracked ribs on her left side from the fall she took while drunk on May 8 (Mother's Day). she always drinks a lot, but on that particular day she said she was sad thinking about my mother, her only child, who had died on April 12, 1999. I had gone to visit her that day and it was a pretty unremarkable encounter. I think we did briefly discuss my mother but as usual, my grandmother didn't want to really go into the subject. later that night, after drinking from the moment I left until about 10:30 pm, she fell in her bedroom. she didn't know she was on the floor. she thought she was in her bed. a week later, she began having left side back pain which only got worse. after studying the heart chakra and its association to the lungs and the thoracic cavity... well, I probably don't need to connect the dots here. Broken hearts, broken lungs, broken spirits.

rolf tells us that unhealed grief and guilt will make us sick and we will carry that sickness to our grave. I know my grandmother feels guilt in part for the way she raised my mother, for being an alcoholic and for so many things unsaid. there is part of me that doesn't want to reopen old wounds, but so much of me wants to tell her it's okay. rolf told us that people do the best they can with what they are given. even people who do really bad things... it's what they are given in terms of mastery of the ego, of connection to the divine, of empathy towards the suffering and basic humanity of others. it's not our place to create more suffering by living in regret, or anger, or pain, or guilt, or shame. it is our place to create a world of compassion in which we- and others- can feel supported and healed.

that said, I'm working hard to get there myself.

500 Hour Musings

In reading further along in Anatomy of the Spirit, it occurred to me that I would be better served in the interest of svadhyaya (self-study/ introspection) to give a short critique of her approach to the subject of the energy body and how I feel it relates to my experience right now.

I am most interested in case studies as examples. Often times I feel that Myss breezes through the histories of former clients and makes abrupt summations of what had been going on energetically. Some things are not so clear cut in my world. I have had to wade through layers of ego, pain, self-absorption, and defensiveness to get at the root of what has been happening in my life and why I allow it to shape my daily experience.

As a teacher, I am so challenged to recognize patterns in others that I often fail to see them in myself. Recently, however, I have begun to make connections between what I observe in my students and in myself that have clarified the value of achieving chakra balance.

I have a student who identifies himself as “Hate Edge.” His definition of this is being “Straight Edge” (no drinking/ no drugs/ no procreation/ vegan/ atheist), but taking it a step further... to “hate” people who don’t observe the same principles. Of course I understand the reasoning behind these principles (I even observe some of them), but the act of “hating” people who disagree seems not only misguided, but contrary to the very idea of ahimsa (non-harming/ non-violent) that being “Straight Edge” implies.

I know from reading Anatomy, our thoughts have such a powerful impact on our bodies. I happen to know that this young man also suffers depression and anxiety to a debilitating degree, and that he likes yoga and reports feeling lighter and happier around me and especially after a class. This is a young man who I see as having major first, second, third and fourth chakra excesses and deficiencies: He has completely defined himself in terms of his beliefs and his membership in a group. Any efforts to challenge him on these points, I have observed though not experienced personally, result in insults and angry outbursts. His relationships are incomplete, and he sees women as a means for sex (and has even had himself sterilized). He quotes disempowering song lyrics about having no place in the world and being completely worthless. He doesn’t even believe love exists in reality. It’s very hard to see someone you care about (I do care about all my students, even the ones who are difficult!) struggling in such a manner.

Lately, instead of getting wrapped up in peoples' stories and letting them get to me emotionally, or even reacting with fear or avoidance, I recently allowed myself to take a step back and identify what it is that stirs me up. I begin to see the associations with my own ‘”tribe” as being yet another means of letting myself get stuck energetically. Living in Richmond, Virginia, traditionally a very conservative city, I teach and get to know people on all ends of the spectrum-- the very religious, the very secular, staunch Republicans, determined Democrats, dedicated meat eaters, raw-food devotees... and I have to sift through it all and figure out where I land. Seeing people in more energetic terms is creating a sea change in the way I experience others and allow them into my world.

Ultimately I realize that whatever words or lifestyle I choose to create my own “story” as Tolle calls it, my real “Self” is none of these things. I feel the power of the universal spirit moving through my energy body and above the level of the ego and all its trappings: above the group mind, above difficult relationships, above any perceived gaps in my own personal power, above and beyond whatever pain and hurt I have allowed into my own heart. And I continue my self-study through all the chakras and beyond, by always seeking to say “yes” to that divine spark which illuminates and inspires my every thought, word and deed. This affords me the willingness and the means to help others see it too, in themselves, if they want to.

ugh... or, aversion and attachment

So I am feeling a little ill reading over my last post here. How self-absorbed must I have been? (Mel, you were too kind in your comment, as usual~) My, how things can change. Last week my husband suffered a separated shoulder in a horrible scooter accident that could have been so much worse. I am finding that the 'flow' of things has been disrupted in my life... or rather, that what is flowing is not at all what I want. Money issues, termites in our house, difficulty saying 'no' graciously, eating unhealthfully, feeling de-centered despite my attention to the contrary... it's all clogging up my days with gunk and leaving me feeling a bit (okay, a lot) depressed.

I did have a great meditation and yoga event last Friday with some gracious and sweet participants. We raised almost $600 for my friend whose husband (at 34 years old) suffered a debilitating and paralyzing stroke. It's hard to reasonably be depressed when you know someone close to you is suffering like that.

But I think I am letting too many things influence me these days: the clutter in my attic, the news (Gulf Oil Spill), the internet (seen today on Facebook: "I feel bad for people who are too stupid to be Vegan." WTF?), and the tv show LOST which thankfully is over after six looooong years.

All of this stuff has led me to think I need to pare down, not just my belongings but the means by which I receive information. Right now I am feeling so bogged down by all of it that I can't tell which end is up. I think a thorough purge of my friends list is needed (sadly, I'm going to have to let people go that I am sure are very sweet "IRL" but who post negative stuff-- FB is there for my enjoyment, entertainment, and convenience, not for unfettered access to lurid details of what you're drinking, eating, smoking, and who you disagree with-- or worse). I think I am also going to have to "un-join" some things I thought were a good idea at the time.

My resolution this year was Let Go. It seems like as long as I was focusing on that all felt pretty effortless and fluid. Since I got away from it things have felt forced, sluggish and clogged. I don't think this is an accident or a coincidence. I am reclaiming my power here and now. Realizing that "power" is not the right word, but neither is "control." Suggestions for a better word?

Namaste.

Yoga Sutra 2.3: Avidyasmita-raga-dvesabhinivesah klesah

"The causes of suffering are not seeing things as they are, the sense of "I," attachment, aversion, and clinging to life."

Today a student told me I was "awesome." I am not sure whether this is a good thing. Of course the ego in me (the sense of "I") loves it, is all over it, smiles broadly and pats itself on the back. But on the other side of all that celebration, it makes me wonder if too often I identify with the approval of others as the end-all be-all. Who doesn't love a compliment? Am I attached to this sort of affirmation? Am I averse to negative feedback? A critical word will set me back days sometimes and cause me to completely change course.

Rolf tells us that as teachers we need to "get over ourselves for the benefit of our students." (He's very fond of witticisms like this, and so often they are right on target. He also says that marriage is "getting over yourself for the benefit of the other person.")

I love a compliment, but the resulting lilting boost I get afterward evaporates when I realize that I don't know what that means. It's not like you can stop the person and say, "what exactly is awesome about me?" I'm not an expert at the 'performance' of asana. I trip over my words all the time, and laugh about it sometimes nervously. I have many, many shortcomings as a teacher in the area of adjustments, class construction, connection with students on a personal level, and just general self-confidence. I just move forward with faith that the love I have for teaching will shine and all the rest will take care of itself. All this self-doubt and the icky 'suffering' that comes up as a result... well, I'll just have to keep letting go of it and accepting that at least to one person, as a teacher, I am "awesome." Whatever that means. :)

Mother's Day

My mother is not with me in body any longer. It's been 11 years, but she was gone from me long before that. I have spent the better part of my adult life figuring out what this all meant to me and how I would let it affect my life and my life's work. I wrote the following on April 12, 2009, on the ten year anniversary of her death. The only things that have changed are in terms of how I view this situation... and the degree to which I hold onto the feelings of blame and guilt. I know I had no control over her situation, that she lacked personal knowledge (as we all do on some level, to some degree) of her worth as a person of spiritual significance, as part of a greater consciousness. I forget too from time to time, but her life lesson reminds me not to get so mired in the day to day that I don't remember my value.

***********************

My mom passed away on April 12, 1999 from complications due to alcoholism and the resulting cirrhosis of the liver. My mom was all about fun. She lived to feed her need for fun. She was a great mom when I was young-- when I was in elementary school, she led our Brownie and Girl Scout Troops and always planned fun camping trips with lots of creative things for us to do. In middle school, even though her disease was starting to show itself, she was PTA President and very involved in fundraising efforts for my school. In high school my mom's illness started to become a burden to all of us, but she did her best to hide it and to keep pushing on. She tried to stay as involved as possible in my life but increasingly began to check out and into her own darkness. By the time my junior year of high school ended, my parents had split and my mom had tried to create a new life for herself with a new man.

The time period after that and leading up to her death was a difficult one filled with so many of the cliches associated with substance abuse... I probably don't need to list them. I tried to keep a relationship with my mom, but it became more and more difficult as she not only removed herself emotionally from my life, but geographically as well. Painful things were said on both sides during that time that still ring in my ears and I cringe at their memory.

In 1998, she did get to meet Ben, a fact for which I am so grateful. Years later he became my husband, but of course my mom did not live to be part of the planning or the ceremony itself. She was not here to see us buy our first home. She won't be here if we ever decide to become parents. It's hard to accept all of this, even having had ten years to get used to the idea.

If I could go back 20 years, I'd be 15 years old. I would try to tell my mom in a way that would convince her how much I need her in my life. Her absence is felt so strongly as I watch my friends and relatives become moms themselves, and as I begin to reach my own milestones. I'd say, please take care of yourself. Please find healthy ways to deal with your stress. Say whatever it is that you need to say to help you get over the regret and pain that makes you poison yourself every day. Eat well, exercise, be open and happy, cultivate healthy relationships. Don't settle. Be creative. Forgive people. I forgive you, and I want you to be there when I grow up.

I am trying to be the kind of person my mom decided she couldn't be. I don't know how else to put her life's lesson into action. But I'm trying.

Maitri

Maitri is the sanskrit word for friendliness. It's Spring, the time when it's easy to be friendly. Flowers are booming, everything is green, the birds chirp, the sun shines, vacation plans or short beach and river trips are made, and people are kind and considerate toward each other. I am going to make this short today because I want to get out and enjoy it some more, but I just wanted to say that my heart is so full right now, of love for the people in my life who encourage me. A series of incidents the past three days have convinced me that while individual strength is a great thing indeed, we are nothing without each other. It's all the ways in which we cultivate maitri and one of its partners, karuna, or compassion, that give us real power. As a very VERY wise and compassionate yogi told me this morning when I took his class, kindness draws people to us. And having people around us in a community can be a source of real strength both in beautiful and bright times as well as times of strife and darkness. "As your grandmother said," he told me, "you catch more flies with sugar than with vinegar." So true!!!

Wishing you much, much maitri and karuna,

Namaste.

Root Energy

"At a Native American gathering in Arizona for the 1999 summer solstice, a Hopi elder said: ‘There is a river flowing now, very fast. It is so great and swift that there are those who will be afraid. They will try to hold on to the shore. They will feel they are being torn apart and suffer greatly. Know that the river has its destination. The elders say we must push off into the middle of the river, keep our eyes open and our heads above the water. See who is in there with you and celebrate. At this time in history we are to take nothing personally, least of all ourselves, for the moment we do that, our spiritual growth comes to a halt. The time of the lone wolf is over. Gather yourselves; banish the word struggle from your attitude and vocabulary. All that we do now must be done in a sacred way and in celebration. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for.’ Now, go to your mat and push off from the shore.” ~From Meditations from the Mat, by Rolf Gates

So I have been reading a lot about root energy and the first chakra. The areas of the body affected most directly by this energy center are the legs, knees, hips, lower back, and elimination organs. According to Caroline Myss, however, most afflictions can be traced back to imbalances in our sense of connection-- connection to what she calls the Tribe. In modern day society we probably define tribe in a number of ways, from family ties to groups we're a part of to how we make our livelihood... things and people that ground us, secure us, and connect us to earthly matters. It's those things upon which most of our daily experiences are centered. In the above quote, I think the special challenges our society gives us are highlighted. We're in turbulent times (it could be argued that every time is turbulent, and that is why I feel the above quote is so meaningfully universal)... and it's our willingness to be steadfast in our practice that helps us navigate and endure the turbulence.

I recently had the absolute blessing to begin working with a beautiful young woman afflicted with anorexia and pelvic and spinal osteoporosis. As she told me her story it became clearer and clearer to me that issues of safety and security in her life had been plaguing her for a long time. As a result, she suffered bouts of depression and anxiety that an interest in healthy eating helped alleviate. The problem was that the more and more she restricted her diet, the less and less she experienced the anxiety, so she began to go deeper and deeper into the disease. Now she is bravely facing the fact that this practice is not sustainable for her, that she wishes to get back to a more balanced way of living and eating.

I think we all find little (or big) crutches to get by with in this life we live. Each step brings us closer to the light, and we need only to take that first step (or that first swim, in the above quote) for other steps to follow.

Namaste, brave people.